Shops, counters and asking for help

Why everyday errands are hard

Many people with social anxiety find “small” things the hardest: asking where something is, ordering at a counter, sending food back, returning an item, asking a pharmacist a question, going to the hairdresser. Others may not understand why something so ordinary is hard. That can make you feel ashamed as well as anxious.

These moments share a few things that feed the fear:

• You have to start. You approach a stranger and speak first.
• You are asking for something. It can feel like being a nuisance.
• There is a queue. You feel people behind you watching and waiting.
• Things may not go to plan. They may not understand you, or ask a question you did not expect.

You may picture everyone in the queue noticing your mistake. In the “spotlight effect” experiments, people expected far more others to notice something embarrassing about them than really did. Shop staff deal with hundreds of people a day. One stumble will not stand out to them. What keeps social anxiety going explains why the fear stays anyway.

What people with social anxiety often do

• Use self-checkouts, online shopping and apps to avoid speaking to anyone.
• Wander a shop for ages rather than ask where something is.
• Keep a wrong order or a faulty item rather than return it.
• Go to shops only at quiet times.
• Rehearse what to say many times, then speak very fast.
• Let a partner, parent or friend do the talking.

Self-checkouts and apps are useful. The problem comes when they become the only way you can manage. These are safety behaviours and avoidance. They keep the fear going because you never find out that you would cope. In a small study of eight people, facing feared situations while dropping safety behaviours lowered anxiety more than facing them with safety behaviours in place. An experiment found that safety behaviours are unhelpful in several ways.

Small steps to try

Errands are ideal practice. They happen often, they are short, and if one goes badly you never have to see that person again. This is an example exposure ladder: steps you face on purpose, easiest first. Repeat each one until it feels easier, then move up.

1. Pay at a staffed till instead of a self-checkout, and say “thanks” while looking at the cashier.
2. Ask a member of staff where something is, even if you could find it yourself.
3. Ask a question about a product, such as “Do you have this in another size?”
4. Order at a counter with one small change, such as “no onions, please”.
5. Return or exchange an item.
6. Ask a pharmacist for advice about something minor.
7. Send something back in a café or restaurant, politely, if it is wrong.
8. Book and go to a haircut, and say clearly what you want.

At each step, drop one safety behaviour. Speak at a normal pace. Look at the person. If they do not understand you, say it again. That happens to everyone.

When avoiding errands becomes a problem

If errands mean you cannot go to the doctor, pick up medicine, or look after yourself, social anxiety is costing you a lot. Many people only find support online. A study of people who answered an online survey about social anxiety found that 92% scored in the range of social anxiety disorder. As a group, they were more affected than people being treated in a clinic, yet only about a third had ever had therapy. If that sounds like you, help is worth looking for.

When booking is the hard part has ways to get help without phone calls. The best-tested therapy is cognitive therapy for social anxiety. A CBT self-help book is a good start if you cannot get therapy yet. If phone calls are the bigger problem, see phone calls.