Phone calls and social anxiety

Why phone calls are so hard

Many people with social anxiety can talk face to face but freeze at the thought of a call. You are far from the only adult who lets the phone ring out.

A call has several things that feed the fear:

• You cannot see the other person. You cannot tell if they are bored, annoyed or friendly. Your mind fills the gap with the worst guess.
• You have to answer straight away. There is no time to think, as there is with a text or an email.
• Your voice is all they get. If you worry that your voice shakes, it feels like the only thing they will notice.
• Someone may be listening. For example, coworkers in an open office.

Many people also feel ashamed that something “so small” is so hard. In one Reddit discussion, a person in their twenties described feeling sick when they heard the phone ring, and ashamed to admit it. Replies said this fear is common.

The fear stays because of a loop. You expect the call to go badly, you watch yourself closely, you protect yourself, and afterwards you replay what you said. What keeps social anxiety going explains the loop.

What people with social anxiety often do

• Avoid calls. Letting them go to voicemail, sending an email instead, asking someone else to call.
• Delay. Hovering over the call button for an hour.
• Over-script. Writing every word down and reading it, then panicking when the other person says something unexpected.
• Rush. Talking fast to get it over with, then hanging up before checking the details.

These are safety behaviours: small things you do to feel safer. They bring relief now but keep the fear going, because you never learn that the call would have been fine without them. In a small study of eight people, facing a feared situation while dropping safety behaviours lowered anxiety more than facing it with them still in place. An experiment found that safety behaviours and watching yourself are unhelpful in several ways.

A short note with the key facts is fine. It becomes a safety behaviour when you cannot speak without reading every word.

Small steps to try

This is an example exposure ladder: a list of steps, from easiest to hardest, that you face on purpose. Start with a step that feels hard but possible. Repeat it until it feels easier, then move up.

1. Call a recorded line, such as a cinema’s opening-hours line. No real person answers, but you practise dialling.
2. Call a business with a simple question, such as “Are you open on Sunday?” Write down only your first sentence.
3. Order a takeaway or book a table by phone. The person who answers takes dozens of these calls a day. One reply on Reddit suggested picturing that bored worker.
4. Leave a voicemail on purpose. Many people fear voicemail more than talking.
5. Make a call that needs a short conversation, such as asking a shop when an item will be back in stock.
6. Make a call with someone else in the room.
7. Make a call you have been putting off, such as booking a doctor’s appointment or cancelling a subscription.
8. Answer a call from a number you do not know.

During each call, try to drop one safety behaviour. Speak at your normal pace. Ask the person to repeat something if you missed it. That is what everyone does on the phone.

When getting help means making a call

Getting help often starts with a phone call, which is exactly the hard part. Many services now let you book online, by email or by text. When booking is the hard part has ways around the phone and short scripts you can use.

When to get more help

If fear of the phone stops you working, seeing a doctor or keeping in touch with people, it is worth getting help. The best-tested therapy is cognitive therapy for social anxiety. Some services offer it as an online programme, so you can start without phoning anyone.

Phone fear often comes with other fears. If you also dread meetings, parties or eating in front of people, is it social anxiety? can help you think it through.