Feeling watched and judged

What is happening in your mind

You walk into a café, a classroom or a gym, and it feels as if every eye turns to you. You feel your walk is strange, your clothes are wrong, your face is red. You may feel you “walk like a robot”. Some people feel it even on an empty street.

This feeling comes from where your attention is. When you are anxious, you turn your attention inward and build a picture of how you think you look from the outside. That picture is usually much worse than reality. Focusing on yourself this way makes you notice every sign of anxiety, and you assume others notice it too. What keeps social anxiety going explains this loop.

Do other people really notice?

Far less than you think. Three sets of experiments show this.

The spotlight effect. In a series of five experiments, researchers asked students to walk into a room wearing an embarrassing T-shirt. The students expected many people to notice it. Far fewer did. The same happened with things people said in a group discussion. We feel as if a spotlight follows us, because we are at the centre of our own experience. Others are at the centre of theirs.

The illusion of transparency. In another set of experiments, people believed their feelings, such as disgust or the fact that they were lying, showed on the outside much more than they did. Your racing heart and inner panic are mostly invisible.

The liking gap. After a conversation with someone new, people usually underestimate how much the other person liked them and enjoyed talking. This was found with strangers in a lab, with new university flatmates, and at a workshop for adults. Among flatmates, the gap lasted for months.

These studies were done with people in general, not only people with social anxiety. But they test the exact fear that social anxiety is built on.

What makes it worse

• Checking. Looking at people to see if they are looking at you. (Sometimes they are: because you looked at them.)
• Hiding. Hoods, headphones, sunglasses, keeping your eyes on the ground, walking fast.
• Avoiding. Not going to places where people might see you, or only going at quiet times.
• Mind-reading. Taking a laugh, a glance or a whisper as being about you.

These safety behaviours feel protective. They keep the fear going, because you never test whether people are really watching. In an experiment, safety behaviours and watching yourself turned out to be unhelpful in several ways.

Being outdoors can cut both ways. In a study of Reddit posts about nature and social anxiety, many people said being outdoors or active made them feel better. For others, parks and paths brought the same feeling of being watched.

What helps

Turning your attention outward. On purpose, look at the room: what people are wearing, doing, looking at. Notice how many are on their phones or in their own conversation. Moving attention outward is a core part of cognitive therapy for social anxiety. In one trial, 84% of people who had this therapy no longer had social anxiety disorder at the end, compared with 42% who had exposure and relaxation training.

Testing it. Do the thing you fear with your safety behaviours dropped, and check what really happens. Walk at a normal pace, headphones out, looking ahead. Count how many people look at you. This is exposure, done as an experiment.

Video feedback. In therapy, people often watch a video of themselves in a conversation. They compare how they felt they looked with how they really looked. Most are surprised how normal they seem.

When to see a doctor

If feeling watched keeps you at home, or stops you working or studying, it is worth getting help. A CBT self-help book is a good start.

Feeling watched in social anxiety is about being judged: “they’ll think I’m weird”. It is different from believing that people are following you, spying on you or planning to harm you. If you have beliefs like that, or hear voices others do not hear, see a doctor soon. Those experiences need a different kind of help.