When booking help is the hard part

If phoning a doctor or therapist feels impossible, you are not lazy and you are not alone. Social anxiety makes the first step of getting help the hardest one. You can get around it. Most services now let you book online, by email or by text. If you do need to call, you can read from a script. You can also ask someone to make the call, or to come with you.

Why this step is so hard

To get help, you usually have to do the things social anxiety makes hard: call a stranger, explain a personal problem, sit in a waiting room and talk to someone new. Many people put this off for years.

Across 24 countries, a large survey found that only about 23 in 100 people with social anxiety ever got treatment. On average, people waited more than 15 years from when it started to their first treatment.

Many people look for answers online first. In an internet survey of 434 people, most met the criteria for social anxiety disorder, yet only about a third had had therapy. A study of posts by teenagers found many used online forums as a last resort, because asking for help face to face felt too hard.

If that sounds like you, the steps below are made to be small.

Start with the routes that need no phone call

• Online booking. Many GP surgeries and clinics have an app or website where you pick a time without speaking to anyone. Look for “book online” or “request an appointment” on their site.
• An online form. Some services let you describe your problem in writing first. In England, you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies online, without seeing a GP first. It covers social anxiety. You need to be 18 or over (16 or over in some areas). The online form asks for the name of your GP surgery.
• Email or a contact form. Most private therapists list an email address. You can write your message at your own pace and send it when you are ready.
• Text or chat. Some clinics and therapists reply by text or online chat. Check the service’s website.
• Online therapy. Some services are delivered fully online, including some programmes based on the best-tested therapy for social anxiety. See finding a therapist and internet CBT.

Scripts you can read out or send

You do not need to explain everything. You only need to get an appointment. Copy these, change the words in brackets, and read them out or paste them into a message.

Booking a doctor’s appointment by phone:

“Hello, I’d like to book an appointment with a doctor, please. It’s about my mental health. My name is [name] and my date of birth is [date].”

If they ask what it is about, you can say: “It’s about anxiety. I’d rather talk about it with the doctor.”

Asking for a longer or phone appointment:

“Could I have a longer appointment, or a phone or video one? I find it hard to talk in person.”

Emailing a therapist:

“Hello, I’m looking for help with social anxiety. I’d like to know if you have space for new clients, what you charge, and whether you use cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety. I find phone calls hard, so email would be easier for me at first. Thank you, [name].”

If the call goes wrong:

“Sorry, I’m a bit nervous. Can I start again?”

Receptionists hear this every day. It is fine to say.

Make the call smaller if you have to phone

• Write the script down and keep it in front of you. Tick off each point as you say it.
• Have your details ready: date of birth, address, the dates you are free.
• Call at a quiet time. Lines are often busiest first thing in the morning.
• Picture the person who answers. People with phone anxiety often say it helps to remember that the person answers dozens of calls a day and is not judging yours. This is what people report, not a trial result.
• You can hang up. If it goes badly, you can call again later. Nobody keeps score.

Bring someone with you

You can ask a partner, friend or family member to:

• make the phone call for you, with you in the room to answer questions;
• sit next to you while you call;
• come to the appointment and sit in the waiting room, or come in with you.

Most doctors are happy for you to bring someone. You can say at the start: “I’ve brought my friend because I find this hard.” You can also ask them to step out for part of it.

For more on how others can help without taking over, see partners and friends.

Write it down for the appointment

If you fear your mind will go blank, write a short note before you go and hand it over or read it out. Talking to your doctor has a template.

If you can’t do any of this yet

That is OK. You can still start:

• A self-help book based on CBT needs no appointment.
• Internet CBT can often be started from home.
• Some people practise the call itself first, as a small step. Phone calls has a step-by-step plan.

If you are in crisis or thinking about ending your life, you do not need to book anything. See crisis lines for free numbers you can call or text now.