Making friends with social anxiety

Why making friends is hard

Many people with social anxiety say the same thing: “I have acquaintances, but no close friends.” You may get on fine with people at work or in class, but never move from small talk to meeting up.

Friendships usually grow through repeated contact: seeing the same people again and again, and slowly sharing more. Social anxiety gets in the way at each step:

• Starting. Saying hello or asking a question feels risky.
• Following up. Sending a message or suggesting a coffee feels pushy, so you wait for them to do it.
• Showing up. You say yes, then cancel. In one Reddit discussion, a person described cancelling social plans again and again, and hating themselves for it.
• Opening up. You keep things light so nobody sees the “real” you.

Underneath this is often a belief that people do not really like you. The research says otherwise. After a first conversation, people usually underestimate how much the other person liked them. In one study, new university flatmates kept underestimating this for several months. What keeps social anxiety going explains why the fear can stay even when things go well.

What people with social anxiety often do

• Wait for others to make the first move.
• Say yes to plans, then cancel at the last minute.
• Keep friendships online only.
• Talk only about safe topics and never share opinions or feelings.
• Read a short reply as “they don’t like me” and give up.

Online contact can be a real help. Some people make close friends through games, forums or Discord. It can also become a place to hide. One clinician’s blog suggests using online contact as the bottom step of a ladder that leads to meeting people in person.

Small steps to try

This is an example exposure ladder: steps you face on purpose, easiest first. Repeat each one until it feels easier, then move up.

1. Reply to a message from an old friend or acquaintance you have been ignoring.
2. Join an online group about something you like and post or comment a few times.
3. Go to an activity with a structure, such as a class, club, choir, sports team, volunteering or a board-game night. Go at least three times. Structure gives you something to do and talk about.
4. Talk to the same person at that activity each time you go.
5. Suggest something small and specific after the activity: “Want to grab a coffee after this?”
6. Invite someone to a plan with a date and time.
7. Keep a plan you would normally cancel. Go for at least an hour.
8. Share something personal, such as a worry or something that matters to you.

Structured group activities can be gentle practice. A small pilot programme used 10 sessions of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons as a form of real-life exposure for socially anxious gamers. It was a first test, not proof that it works.

What about social VR?

Some people practise socializing in VR apps such as VRChat, where you talk to others through an avatar. In a survey of 74 people who used a social VR app, people said they felt less socially anxious and lonely in VR than offline. That was a one-off survey of people who already liked it. It cannot show whether social VR makes social anxiety better over time. It may be a useful first step for some people and a hiding place for others. Social VR has more.

When to get more help

Loneliness is painful and can lead to low mood. If you feel low most days, see depression and social anxiety. If you feel hopeless or think about harming yourself, crisis lines can help right now.

The best-tested therapy is cognitive therapy for social anxiety. Group CBT gives you a room of people who understand, which can itself be a start. If parties are your main hurdle, see parties and small talk.