Parties, small talk and social anxiety

Why parties and small talk are hard

At a party, there is no clear role and no script. You have to start conversations, join groups that are already talking, and fill silences. Many people with social anxiety dread the moment of standing alone with a drink, sure that everyone can see they have no one to talk to.

Small talk can feel pointless and frightening at the same time. You may think “I have nothing interesting to say” or “they’re just being polite”. While you talk, you may be busy checking yourself: your face, your voice, what to say next. Focusing on yourself like this takes attention away from the other person, so the conversation feels harder and you remember less of it. What keeps social anxiety going explains the loop.

Here is a hopeful finding. After talking with someone new, people usually underestimate how much the other person liked them and enjoyed the conversation. Researchers call this the liking gap. It showed up with strangers in a lab, with new university flatmates, and at a workshop.

What people with social anxiety often do

• Cancel at the last minute, or never say yes.
• Arrive late and leave early.
• Stay in the kitchen, help with the food or play with the pet.
• Stick to one person they know all evening.
• Look at their phone to seem busy.
• Ask lots of questions so they never have to talk about themselves.
• Drink to get through it.

These are safety behaviours. They make the evening feel survivable, but they keep the fear going. Some backfire: In an experiment, safety behaviours and watching yourself turned out to be unhelpful in several ways.

Drinking is a common one. Alcohol can feel like it helps on the night, but it comes at a cost. A study that combined 70 studies of young people found that those with more social anxiety did not drink more overall, but had more problems from drinking. Alcohol and social anxiety has more. If drinking has become a way to get through every day, or you feel low or hopeless, crisis lines can help right now.

Small steps to try

This is an example exposure ladder: steps you face on purpose, easiest first. Repeat each one until it feels easier, then move up.

1. Say one sentence beyond “hello” to a neighbour, cashier or barista. “Busy today?” is enough.
2. Ask a coworker or classmate about their weekend and ask one follow-up question about their answer.
3. Go to a small gathering for 30 minutes, then leave if you want to.
4. At a gathering, start a conversation with someone you know a little.
5. Introduce yourself to someone new. “Hi, I’m Sam. How do you know the host?”
6. Join a group that is already talking. Stand at the edge, listen, and add one comment.
7. Talk about yourself a little, such as sharing an opinion or a story, instead of only asking questions.
8. Stay until the end of a party without drinking to cope.

During each step, turn your attention outward. Listen to the words, notice what the person is wearing or holding, and ask about something they said. Silences are normal in conversations. You do not have to fill every one.

After the party

Many people spend the next day replaying everything they said, looking for mistakes. This is called post-event processing, and it keeps the fear going even when the evening went fine. Replaying conversations has ways to step out of it.

When to get more help

If you avoid most social events, feel lonely, or rely on alcohol to get through them, it is worth getting help. The best-tested therapy is cognitive therapy for social anxiety. Group CBT also helps, and the group itself is a place to practise. If your goal is closer friendships rather than surviving parties, see making friends.