How parents can help a socially anxious child

Show your child that you understand the fear, and that you believe they can cope with it. Then help them take small steps towards what scares them, instead of helping them avoid it. This is called supportive parenting: warmth plus confidence. It is the core of parent-based treatments that work.

The trap: helping your child avoid

When a child is frightened, every loving parent wants to make it stop. So we:

• answer for them when someone asks a question;
• order their food, make their phone calls, speak to the teacher for them;
• let them skip parties, clubs or school;
• reassure them again and again that “everything will be fine”;
• change family plans so they don’t have to meet new people.

Psychologists call this family accommodation. It brings relief in the moment. But the child never finds out they could have coped, and the fear stays.

In a study that combined research on children and teens, more accommodation went with more severe anxiety. In a study of 425 anxious children, accommodation explained part of how much anxiety disrupted their daily lives. These studies show a link, not proof of cause. But treatment that reduces accommodation helps, which suggests it matters.

You did not cause your child’s anxiety by doing this. Parenting explains only a small part of child anxiety. Of the parenting habits studied, doing things for a child that they could do themselves was more closely linked to anxiety than a lack of warmth. That is good news, because it is something you can change.

What to do instead

1. Name the feeling and show confidence. Say both parts: “I know this feels really scary. And I know you can handle it.” This is the heart of SPACE, a programme for parents. In a trial of 124 children aged 7 to 14, working only with parents in this way helped as much as CBT given to the child.

2. Reduce accommodation slowly, one thing at a time. Pick one thing you do for your child, such as ordering their food. Tell them ahead of time, kindly, that you will stop: “From next week, you’ll order your own drink. I’ll be right next to you.” Then stick to it calmly.

3. Build a ladder of small steps. Together, list feared situations from easiest to hardest. Start at the bottom. For a child afraid of speaking to adults, it might be: say thank you to a shop worker; ask where the toilets are; order a drink; ask a librarian for a book; phone a grandparent’s friend.

4. Praise effort, not results. “You asked her, even though you were nervous” matters more than how it went.

5. Cut back on reassurance. Answering the same worried question many times teaches the child that they need you to feel safe. Answer once, then say: “We’ve talked about this. I know you can handle not knowing.”

6. Let them do things for themselves. Small jobs, such as paying at the till, help a child feel capable.

7. Show it yourself. If you are anxious socially too, let them see you do things that make you nervous, and say so: “I felt nervous calling the dentist, but I did it.”

Expect some upset

When you stop accommodating, your child may get upset at first. Stay calm and kind, and don’t argue. If the distress is extreme or dangerous, get professional help rather than pushing on alone.

Younger children

Early help for parents can make a difference. In Australia, a six-session programme for parents of very cautious preschoolers led to fewer anxiety disorders a year later, and the benefit was still there after three years. UK guidelines (NICE) suggest involving parents in treatment, particularly with young children.

Teenagers

With teenagers, you have less control, and that is right. Focus on:

• listening without rushing to fix;
• not doing for them what they can do (calls, emails, appointments);
• offering to help them find support, including online therapy, which some teens find easier;
• keeping them connected to at least some social activity.

Being in the therapy room is often not needed. Many reviews found no clear extra benefit from adding parents to a young person’s CBT. See therapy for children and teens.

Look after yourself

Living with an anxious child is tiring. If you have anxiety yourself, it is worth getting help for it. NICE says children’s services should make it easy to refer parents for their own mental health needs. If you are worried your child may harm themselves, see crisis lines.